What Does It Feel Like?

图片取自 Savannah Book Festival

  "Mom, what does it feel like?"

  "What does what feel like?"

  "Having Alzheimer's. Can you feel that you have it right now?"

  "Well, I know I'm not confused or repeating myself right now, but just a few minutes a go, I couldn't find 'cream cheese', and I was having a hard time participating in the conversation with you and your dad. I know it's only a matter of time before those types of things happen again, and times between when it happens are getting shorter. And the things that are happening are getting bigger. So even when I feel completely normal, I know I'm not. It's not over, it's just a rest. I don't trust myself."

  As soon as she finished, she worried she'd admitted too much. She didn't want to scare her daughter. But Lydia didn't flinch and stayed interested, and Alice relaxed.

  "So you know when it's happening?"

  "Most of the time."

  "Like what was happening when you couldn't think of the name of cream cheese?"

  "I know what I'm looking for, my brain just can't get to it. It's like if you decided you wanted that glass of water, only your hand won't pick it up. You ask it nicely, you threaten it, but it just won't budge. You might finally get it to move, but then you grab the saltshaker instead, or you knock the glass and spill the water all over the table. Or by the time you get your hand to hold the glass and bring it to your lips, the itch in your throat has cleared, and you don't need to drink anymore. The moment of need has passed."

  "That sounds like torture, Mom."

  "It is."

  "I'm sorry you have this."


  Lydia reached out across the dishes and glasses and years of distance and held her mother's hand. Alice squeezed it and smiled. Finally, they'd found something else they could talk about.

Still Alice, p161~162
Lisa Genova
ISBN 978-1-4391-0281-7

Mai XW(2015.02.21)>>[当周脸书帖子]>>




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